Where to, God? Part 2

I went to college for radio. Sort of.

Fresh out of high school, excited for what God had planned, and ready to get started, I began my Freshman year with a double major in Broadcasting and Business Management (the latter to make my parents -- who wisely insisted on a fall-back plan -- happy). By the time I actually left college (not graduated -- a story, perhaps, for another time), I had spent much of my time in video production, film studies, journalism, writing, and, yes, radio. My experiences were as varied as could be for a mediaphile. I had gotten married, interned with a film company, and had decided my career would not, in fact, be in radio, but in film and video production.

I mention this, because looking back on it now, I see that God had given me my original passion and that I -- and not He -- moved in a different direction. A fickle race, mankind.

And of course, when it came to doing things my own way, I failed. Often. After multiple part-time and temporary jobs, and after failing to pull the video production job into a permanent, full-time position, it still took a long time for me to get the hint.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. My wife had, at some point during all this, gotten pregnant. I still couldn't find a solid, full-time job, and, once the kids came, we thought we needed a bigger place. We found what we thought was perfect -- until the landlord decided, six months into our stay, that he wanted his daughter to live there. Now we had two kids, little money, and soon, no home. We did what you do in those situations: we went to family.

We moved in with my wife's family in Northern New York. Then, once his rental property opened up, we took up residence there as her father's tenants. We got jobs, the two of us, almost right away after moving out there. Well, part-time jobs in retail. But it was work.

A few years after moving, my Father-in-law found an ad in the local paper: a small country radio station was hiring. No experience necessary. I actually HAD experience -- AND education. I applied, and was more or less hired immediately. It didn't pay a lot, but it made me happy, and I kept my part-time job to make ends meet. More importantly, I believe now, it was God's way of getting me back on track for His plan.

Making a long story short, after a couple years there, I was hired into a larger station, where I worked another three, before finally being brought back into Christian radio where, I suspect, God wanted me all along.

Here's the thing with God. When you seek His will, ultimately you will find it. When you fall short of seeking God's will, He will put you into a place where, as Rich Mullins sang, You're lost enough to let yourself be led.

I spent a good chunk of my adult life depressed and unsatisfied. Ashamed of my failure to provide for my family. Even more ashamed that I knew, ultimately, I wasn't doing what God wanted me to do. But as I look back, I see something amazing: even though I forgot about God's will, He did not. And, when I was ready to ask Him, He had already laid the groundwork to put me back on His path.

Matthew 6:31-33

So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

I have learned, through my own errors in life, by the side of a patient and understanding wife, under the watchful eye of a loving God, that a life lived outside of His will is a life unfulfilled. I'm not going to pretend everything will be perfect here on Earth as long as we do what God says; but I know it's a better life knowing that I'm walking the path laid out by the creator of the Universe. I won't pretend to know what's up ahead, but God does. And that's good enough for me.

Where to, God? Part 1

Sometimes, it feels like there aren't ANY choices...
Sometimes, that's because there are just too many.

My favorite song by Rich Mullins is one he recorded as a demo, shortly before his death in 1997. In the final verse of "Hard to Get," which is about the struggle to understand God's relationship to man, Rich sings:

I can't see where You're leading me, unless You've led me here
To where I'm lost enough to let myself be led

It can be difficult, in the midst of depression or despair, to feel the Hand of God on your life. In an economy where finding a job that allows you to support your family is itself a monumental task -- so monumental, in fact, that many have simply given up looking -- it's easy to wonder: where is God's plan for my life?

Before my children were born, that was where I found myself. I had left my job -- a dead-end position in corporate communications that, at least, paid a living wage -- in order to more fully engage in freelance video production. I was an entrepreneur! I had begun working with a woman who had established herself in the professional videography world, and we had plans to take her company beyond weddings and graduations. The time was right. People would pay for our services, and there was plenty of money to go around.

I had planned to leave my position right before 9/11/2001, and left shortly thereafter. I was just too short-sighted to understand the economic impact at the time. I learned. After years of struggling and taking on part-time jobs, I was offered a position with another company to do exactly what I had wanted to do, but with full-time hours and pay. I would build their video services business from the ground up, and it would be exciting, and new, and fulfilling. And, to make a long story short, it was a bitter disappointment.

Just like that, I was back to substitute teaching. To taking whatever wedding video job I could find, and filling the rest of my hours through a temp service. I was briefly offered a full-time, entry-level position with a multi-billion dollar corporation, only to see the position eliminated before my first day of work.

It was depressing. It was debilitating. There were days I couldn't even get off the couch. I was just... ashamed. Saddened that I was unable to provide for my family. Beginning to crumble under the debt and pressure. My wife and I were fighting about everything. Put simply, if my little family had a future, I couldn't see it.

Jeremiah 29:11-12

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

I love to look back and see now how the Lord moved in my life. How He positioned  me from depression to trust in Him. This is all part of a larger story, of course... one that is still playing itself out, even now. 

I couldn't see God's Hand leading me. I couldn't see that He led me to exactly that point -- the point at which I could realize that I -- and my family -- needed to let Him lead.