Where to, God? Part 1

Sometimes, it feels like there aren't ANY choices...
Sometimes, that's because there are just too many.

My favorite song by Rich Mullins is one he recorded as a demo, shortly before his death in 1997. In the final verse of "Hard to Get," which is about the struggle to understand God's relationship to man, Rich sings:

I can't see where You're leading me, unless You've led me here
To where I'm lost enough to let myself be led

It can be difficult, in the midst of depression or despair, to feel the Hand of God on your life. In an economy where finding a job that allows you to support your family is itself a monumental task -- so monumental, in fact, that many have simply given up looking -- it's easy to wonder: where is God's plan for my life?

Before my children were born, that was where I found myself. I had left my job -- a dead-end position in corporate communications that, at least, paid a living wage -- in order to more fully engage in freelance video production. I was an entrepreneur! I had begun working with a woman who had established herself in the professional videography world, and we had plans to take her company beyond weddings and graduations. The time was right. People would pay for our services, and there was plenty of money to go around.

I had planned to leave my position right before 9/11/2001, and left shortly thereafter. I was just too short-sighted to understand the economic impact at the time. I learned. After years of struggling and taking on part-time jobs, I was offered a position with another company to do exactly what I had wanted to do, but with full-time hours and pay. I would build their video services business from the ground up, and it would be exciting, and new, and fulfilling. And, to make a long story short, it was a bitter disappointment.

Just like that, I was back to substitute teaching. To taking whatever wedding video job I could find, and filling the rest of my hours through a temp service. I was briefly offered a full-time, entry-level position with a multi-billion dollar corporation, only to see the position eliminated before my first day of work.

It was depressing. It was debilitating. There were days I couldn't even get off the couch. I was just... ashamed. Saddened that I was unable to provide for my family. Beginning to crumble under the debt and pressure. My wife and I were fighting about everything. Put simply, if my little family had a future, I couldn't see it.

Jeremiah 29:11-12

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

I love to look back and see now how the Lord moved in my life. How He positioned  me from depression to trust in Him. This is all part of a larger story, of course... one that is still playing itself out, even now. 

I couldn't see God's Hand leading me. I couldn't see that He led me to exactly that point -- the point at which I could realize that I -- and my family -- needed to let Him lead.